How Not to Pray (Part 1/2)

Hey, it's been forever since I've blogged, sorry. Seriously, if it's getting to be more than a week or two between posts please feel free to email/comment/call/send a telegram to rebuke me for not keeping this up. I really do want to blog more frequently, so go ahead, hold me accountable, I dare you.

Anyways, I was looking for a copy of my testimony on my harddrive just now and I found this list of funny things people do when they are praying (I can't recall where I first found it) and thought it'd be fun to share. Can anyone think of anything additional to add to this list? And seriously, I hope no one stops praying because of this - it's simply that sometimes I wonderhow irritated I would be if someone started talking to me like this: "Lee, you know Lee, I just, Lee, I want to ask you that you might do such and such, Lee, so that, um, Lee."

How NOT to Pray (Part 1/2)

Be warned in advance that reading these might stilt your first few public prayers afterwards…

1. THE JUST PRAYER: For some inexplicable reason, the word JUST shows up a lot in prayer. "Just" is used for pausing, for filler, as an adverb, for rhythm, and, well, to underscore that this is just prayer and not talking in general. Since this is not normally the case in human dialog, it is hard to explain why.
ex.: Lord, we JUST pray that you would JUST like, JUST really JUST totally..."

2. THE GOSSIP: "Lord, please forgive Pam [not present] for her sexual lust towards George [who is present]."

3. THE THEOLOGIAN: Here the person feels led to lecture God on various--usually obvious--points of theology, as if God needed reminding. While the words of such prayers can be valid enough if said in a spirit of praise, THE THEOLOGIAN gives you the distinct impression that he/she is praying to ideas rather than God; or perhaps trying to impress the rest of us.
ex.: "Lord, you are God. You are the Triune, Immutable, Omniscient, Revelatory, the First Principle. You even know what I am going to pray next!... [etc. etc. etc.]"

4. THE OPPORTUNIST: For someone who would never get a word in edgewise in a normal conversation--because what they want to say is inherently boring or unedifying--prayer can be an opportunity to "seize the floor" and speechify at great length without fear of rebuttal or interruption unless something really awful is said; and perhaps not even then, as social convention says it is very rude to interrupt while someone is praying.
ex.: "Lord, I just want to pray for my little bunny. I know nobody here thinks it important, but I just love my bunny because it... [on and on and on]."

5. THE LECTURER: Similar to THE OPPORTUNIST, but here the motive is to harangue someone else--or the group--by sermonizing in general. Also known as THE SERMON PRAYER:
ex.: "O God, forgive those among us who do not understand the need to... [fill in the blanks]."
ex.: "Lord, forgive the congregation for their continued failure to tithe. For 'The tithe is the Lord's', and 'Test me in this' saith the Lord... [and on and on]"

6. CALLING DOWN FIRE: To rant or vituperate in a prayer. Basically, to ask God to send down a lightning bolt of judgment. (Often aimed at ungodly politicians.) Such prayers seem to beg for the response: "You do not know what Spirit you are of". (Lk 9:55, Mt 5:11-12)
ex.: "Lord, that lady who gestured rudely to me in my car today, I pray that you would slap her silly with your scorching judgment. Teach her not to treat your children that way, with a scathing rebuke from on high. Amen."

Ok, I had to edit this post because IE was doing something weird with the bullet points and it was just plain too long...